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.Besides, your mark might turn out to be a
great charity worker.You can call in generous pledges in your mark's name during telethons and
other charity drives.You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using
double-entendre names.For example, when one public-TV station held another
of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as
pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus.Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army.She suggests that
you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report
youp mark for stealing out of the organization's pickup boxes.Report the
mark by his auto license number.Say you work at one of the stores near the
collection box and you've seen the mark rob the box several times.You can
also report this "crime" to the police.@ENDNODE
@NODE CHEESE "Cheese"
It's tried and true, but I bet you haven't heard of it since you were a
kid.This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a
-new-car trick.The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a
cheese spread.Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a
radiator in a home or office.Once it's burned on, the smelly sour effect can
last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.@ENDNODE
@NODE CHILD_ABUSE "Child Abuse"
I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evilminded teenager
[Hmmm.] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat
her.They hadn't and didn't.Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out
of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend
themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [Hmmm II.].The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the
charges as unfounded.Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight
government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they'd lose
on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts.Nice.All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a
child-abuse offender.Acting as a "concerned neighbor," you can tell the
authorities.The hassle is unreal.After you've done this, a few anonymous
letters to the mark's employer about the "child-abuse thing" will help out.@ENDNODE
@NODE CIA "CIA"
Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about.For example,
maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee.You could easily find out.Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark's name.The
agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed
gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc.I doubt that
they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking
with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert,
journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine
credentials for your mark.Make up a good solid background.It is probably
illegal for you to make a false application in your mark's name using phony
credentials.Send resumes to: Personnel Representative
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, D.C.20505
You can also send in an application in your mark's name for a CIA job at
the field office in the nearest city.Yes, they are listed in the telephone
book.@ENDNODE
@NODE CLASSIFIED_ADS "Classified Adverts"
Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little
bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark's psyche if properly aimed.For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors.You could insert a classified ad to "sell" their automobile.Price it five
hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight
(shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick
cash is needed for an emergency.That will bring in the phone calls.You can also put your mark's house up for sale
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